You read that title right – I am scared to be a mom. Let me give a little backstory first. Growing up, I loved babies. I loved being around them, holding them and playing with them. I thought I’d be married and be a mom by the time I turned 25. But the older I got, the more I wanted to put kids off. A lot of those reasons are in a post I wrote last year about why Adam and I are waiting to have children.
Over the last few months in particular though, I’ve been digging deep and thinking about children more. I think it’s because recently, more people we know are getting pregnant and having kids of their own and my social media newsfeeds are a constant reminder of that. I’ve been asking myself why I still don’t feel ready. Again, a lot of those reasons are in last year’s post. But what I didn’t include in that post – because I don’t think I really realized it then – is that I’m scared.
It’s scary to come right out with that and admit that I’m scared. However, I’m sharing this because I think more women need to talk about their fears and their struggles so other women know they are not alone in the thoughts that they have and the feelings they are going through. I would like to think that I am not alone in this. So, if you’re reading this post and are scared to be a mom too, I’m right there with ya. I’m sharing my reasons why below – be prepared for some #realtalk.
I’m Scared I’ll Have to Give Up My Dreams
Call me selfish, but I don’t want everything I’ve been working so hard for to come to an end when I have a child. I understand we as women have to re-prioritize our lives when we have children, but I also know that I don’t want to forget about my passions and my goals in the process. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am in my career and I’m hustling day and night to make Lipstick & Ink into something legitimate. And despite the long hours, I make it work balancing both a full-time job and a side hustle.
How in the world would I be able to do that though if I also need to take care of another human? I know realistically it’s probably not possible and something would have to give. But that’s the thing – I don’t want to give up either of them right now.
I’m Scared I Won’t Know What I’m Doing
Give me a school age kid and I got it covered. But put a baby in my arms and tell me I have to take care of him or her and I tense up. I never babysat babies growing up, nor was I ever really around them for long periods of time (aside from my younger sister). I’m afraid I’m going to have my baby and immediately have to call up my mom or a friend to come help Adam and I take care of him or her. I suppose that’s why there’s books and millions of articles on the internet to help prepare you for this sorta thing, but still, I’m just terrified I won’t have any idea of what I’m doing – or that I’ll even be good at it.
I’m Scared of Things Going Wrong
Ever since I was probably in high school, I’ve known that women can have miscarriages. But I didn’t realize how common they were until I began hearing of more and more women having them. Maybe it’s because women are starting to break down the stigma of miscarriage and are being more open about it. Whatever the case, it’s devastating. Hearing that a loved one has gone through that breaks my heart each and every time. It then makes me wonder, what if that happens to me? How would I cope? Could I mentally handle that?
I’m Scared It Will Negatively Affect My Mental Health
Which brings me to my next point. I’ve suffered from depression in the past and I battle anxiety almost every day. In addition to miscarriages, I’ve also heard of women’s hardships with postpartum depression. I am terrified I may be one of those women in the future. While others may consider me as strong and put together, I truthfully have internal struggles every day. I question if I could be mentally strong enough to have a child. The last thing in the world I would want is to have my mental health get in the way of the joys of having a child.
I’m Scared of My Body Changing
I know this sounds vain. But the truth is, I’ve struggled with my weight since puberty. I yo-yo dieted all through high school and college and carried more weight than I ever would have liked. I’ve changed my diet and exercise routine over the years and have found things that have worked for me. I’m finally at a point in my life where most days, I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and how I look.
I am scared that if and when I’m pregnant, as my body changes and I gain weight, that I won’t look or feel beautiful. I am scared that if and when I have my baby, that my body won’t look or feel the same. I am scared that after birth, when I look in the mirror, I won’t be happy with what I see. Me writing this may rub you the wrong way, but this is #realtalk, remember? This is one of my truths.
I’m Scared to Give Birth
My mother is a saint. She gave birth to me without an epidural. How she did it, I have no idea, but I definitely hope to never find out what that feels like. Give me the epidural! Even though that helps lessen the pain, I’m still very uneasy about the idea of giving birth. The contractions, the pushing, the tearing…. not to mention, you can’t even eat during labor. (I just recently found that out and was #mindblown.) To the mommas out there who have given birth, I salute you. You are my heroes.
I’m Scared My Marriage Will Suffer
As I mentioned in this post, I admit that Adam and I have a pretty solid relationship. I know that’s probably annoying for a lot of people to hear, but it’s true. It’s why I am scared that having a child will cause a rift in our relationship. Between the no sleep, the added responsibilities, the balancing of work and baby, I can only imagine the stress that can add to a relationship. I don’t want to become the couple whose lives revolve around their child. I want to still be us and take time for us and be selfish together. I want our marriage to keep thriving and hope that a child won’t affect that.
I’m Scared to Lose My “Me” Time
I’m selfish with my time and I have no qualms in admitting it. I like my time alone. My time alone usually means I am doing something for me, whether it’s writing, reading, going to treat myself to a facial or massage, or even just going for a walk to get some fresh air. I need that time to cope with my anxiety. Having a child, I feel, will affect that time. I am just not ready to give that up yet.
I’m Scared That I’ll Emotionally Scar My Children
Did I have a good childhood? Mostly. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t clouded with pain, deceit and control that I’ve carried with me into adulthood. I didn’t realize how much the negative effects of my childhood affected me until I went to therapy a few years ago. It was an eye-opening experience to hear from a completely unbiased person who didn’t know me at all tell me why I was the way I was – and most of it was rooted in my childhood. That weighs on me – heavily.
I don’t want to be the reason my children go to therapy. I don’t want my children to go through what I had to go through. But I’m terrified that in some way, I will replicate what I went through and do some of the things I saw growing up, without even realizing it.
I’m Scared to Bring Children into This World
My generation has seen some ungodly things already in our lifetime. From the World Trade bombing and 9/11 attacks to school and church shootings to a number of different wars. It’s enough to make you not want to have kids for fear of what their futures might look like. When you hear of people being murdered, mugged and kidnapped, it leaves me in a constant state of paranoia that something might happen to me and I am sure that will be amplified if and when I were to have a child too. This is the world we live in and I’m terrified to bring another human life into it.
This is my confession: I am scared to be a mom.
I’m curious, are you scared to be a mom too? Or were you before you had your own child? If so, what scares/scared you most? Please share your thoughts in the comments!
Kelly Nash is a Chicago-based writer, career coach, speaker and founder of Lipstick & Ink®. She also works full-time in technology as a Role Strategy and Employee Engagement Manager at Salesforce and has over 12 years of digital marketing experience. Kelly has been featured in Thrive Global, Chicago Tribune, International Association of Women, General Assembly, Salesforce, and SheFactor. She’s fueled by black coffee, sunshine, a good ink pen, and a bold lip.
Bravo to you for admitting your fears because motherhood is a serious commitment even more so than marriage. Almost daily, we see situations arising from individuals who take parenting lightly and the end results are beyond saddening. I am 42, happily married and ecstatically child-free. While many of my friends complain about the workloads of motherhood and having a career, I am able to focus solely on my career while working towards meeting my list of goals. Life does not have to stop when you have children, but there will definitely be MANY changes. Wait until the time is right for you. For me that time never came, and I am just fine with the decision I made. Blessings abound whenever (or if ever) you decide to become a mom!
Thank you, Camille! I so appreciate you reading and stopping by to leave your thoughts. Children is not for everyone and who knows, I may never feel “ready.” I think I do want at least one child but for now, I’m focused on my career growth and journey and crossing travels off my bucket list! Being a DINK (dual-income, no kids) couple definitely has its advantages for now 🙂
All your worries are spot on. You WILL go through all of those things. But it’s the hardest thing you will love. You’ll have to learn the new you and how to make time for yourself. Your career doesn’t have to suffer (it will be different and you’ll have to learn how to blend (notice I didn’t say balance), you need a good support system. You absolutely will not know what you’re doing, but that’s when you and your husband need to be on the same page and communicate more than you ever have. You will find the both of you will begin to parent in tandem and you just do it, you don’t think twice. You’re not alone in your fears, the fact you recognize them is huge and you’re already a better mother than most. All children need is love.
I work 60 hours a week, I’m a top performer at the most prestigious medical device company in the world and I have mom guilt. I won’t lie to you. But when you get home and they run and give you the biggest hug…it is the BEST feeling ever. I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my career, I love me, I love my husband…but damn, I love my children too. You’ll be surprised at how much you will be able to handle…and still be YOU 😘. You can do it all 🙂
It’s never the perfect time. Whenever it happens it will all work out. Promise!
Amanda, thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts on this topic. I so appreciate all of your encouraging words – they definitely helped me feel better! It’s inspiring to know that you’re an ambitious, working mom who makes it all work! I can only hope that I can do the same someday.
I came across your post, and felt so drawn. I took have these thought and find myself second guess if this is the path I should go down bc of all my DOUBTS. I recently found out I am 10 weeks pregnant My husband and I have been together for almost a decade with no kids and we absolutely love our life We have a great support system. I do still worry if this is the best decision, Will I be the best mom, but I know what I’m doing, and I find myself questioning Will this affect my future for traveling cuz that is my passion. All my friends and my circle have kids and I see some that are successful still and some that I’ve struggled, and the ones that have struggled that scare me because that is not the type of life I want to live. I do understand I am in control of my own life and not have an amazing husband with full support but there are internal thoughts that scare me. I also do know I only know a life without kids so I feel like just the fear change is the reality that my life is going to be shaken up but I know I’m going to be stronger at the end than I think I am. I think being scared of bringing a new life into this world is normal and I feel like if you way out your pros and cons and have a good support system it’s not as bad as what you think Yes there’s going to be bad days there’s going to be frustrating days but hopefully at the end it’s going to be more rewarding and fulfilling.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts. I actually am very much in the same boat – been with my husband for a decade with no kids and absolutely have loved it. I don’t take it for granted for a second. It’s natural to have fears and anxieties about becoming a new mom but I keep hearing that those pass when you meet your little one. It’s good to have perspective but you can’t compare your situation to anyone else’s. Even though some of your friends have struggled, doesn’t necessarily mean you will. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and that the two of you will work together as a team as you navigate this big change! Wishing you all the best.
I’m terrified of parenting for all the reasons Kelly wrote above. Most of all I’m afraid of what it will do to my sleep and how it will affect my relationship. My husband is gone for work a lot and I will take the brunt of the responsibilities. I’m older- 40+ and 7 weeks pregnant. I’m anxious as a person and even more so with the hormones. I’m contemplating if I’m too old for this? To set I. My ways? To content with how things are? I don’t want to loose me and I see mothers all the time loose themselves.
Hi there – all of your feelings and thoughts are so valid. Having a child at any age is such a monumental change in our lives. You are not too old to be a mother and you are not too set in your ways. This baby is happening for a reason and I have no doubt you will be a great mother. You will not lose yourself if you are intentional about making time for the relationship with yourself and have the support system you need. The first months I’m sure will be difficult but you will get into a rhythm and get through it! I hope as the weeks have passed, you have grown more confident in that.
Having children was the best thing I ever did. Yes, it is challenging but you will survive. Once you see that little baby smile for the first time- well it melted my heart. Of course, your life will change drastically but it is worth it. I cannot imagine my life without my beautiful daughters.
Hi Kelly! I am so glad I came across your page! I am 30 years old and have been married for a year. I have always felt like I wanted to be a mom, but I’m finding that now that I am in the stage of my life where I should be ready for that step all I find are fears that keep me hesitant. I never thought this would be something I’d put off. I have dealt with so many of the fears you describe in this article and even others like; How will my friendships change? Will I be strong enough to stand up for myself and my child if needed? What will my relationship look like with my Mother-in -law since she doesn’t seem to understand boundaries as it is? Reading this article really made me feel not so alone and crazy for having these fears after seeing so many friends and loved ones step into motherhood so seamlessly. Thank you for sharing!