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Our First Year of Marriage: What Worked For Us

September 23, 2018 by Kelly Nash 2 Comments

Growing up, I read in magazines, heard on talk shows and even heard from those older than me that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Hearing that always felt pretty ominous and I ended up imagining nasty fights, stressful conversations, and moments of despair. I wondered, what could possibly go so wrong in the first year for people to say that? Even when I did a quick Google search on the first year of marriage as I began to write this post, I came across articles such as “how to survive your first year of marriage” and “first year woes.”

If I’m being completely honest though, this past year of marriage was nowhere even close to hard. Maybe Adam and I are just an anomaly? I’d be curious to know what others my age have to say about their first year of marriage. I seem to think most first years of marriage nowadays actually aren’t so bad and maybe the whole “the first year is the hardest” is just a generational thing. Let me know if you agree in the comments!

Kelly and Adam kiss on their wedding day

Photo Credit: Brittany Bekas Photography

Anyways, when I think back to Adam’s and my relationship as a whole, I think our hardest year together was actually our first year of dating. We had to learn to understand how the other thought and reacted to things. We had insecurities from previous relationships that hurt and broke us that we had to work through. We had to take notice of each other’s flaws and learn how to navigate those. We had to simply figure out how we worked together as a couple.

Going through what we did in our first year together laid the groundwork for us in the following years of our relationship. We got into a rhythm that worked for us and soon enough, we were laughing more, trusting more and fighting less. Getting engaged and getting married didn’t change any of that. The things we learned early on and eventually applied to our relationship are really what made our first year of marriage so blissfully happy. It’s not to say that our marriage is always going to be so happy and easy – we both realize that there will probably be more challenging times ahead in our future. But, for now, we can look back on our first year of marriage with appreciation, satisfaction and most importantly, with a whole lotta love.

I want to throw a disclaimer out there that I’m in no means saying these things we did and still do today works for every couple. I’m just sharing what’s worked best for us!

First Year of Marriage Pinterest Pin

We Make Trust Our #1 Value

I’m not sure when it all just started to click for us, but Adam and I got to a point where we could fully trust each other. We knew that the other wasn’t like someone we had dated in our past and that we were a completely different couple together. I noticed that once Adam and I had that mutual trust in each other, our outbursts and fights completely stopped. We were reassured of our love for each other and felt more emotionally connected and secure and still do today.

We Lived Together Before Marriage

I personally am glad Adam and I lived together before we got married. By doing so, we were able to figure out each other’s lifestyles and routines before we tied the knot. We naturally ran into some hurdles but learned to adjust as needed so we could live together more peacefully. I had to learn how to share a closet, something I had never done before in my life. Quite the adjustment! And no fault to Adam, but he was pretty messy when we first moved in together. We joke I put him through “Kelly Bootcamp” because I taught him ways to be cleaner around our apartment. Whatever I did paid off, because Adam now keeps our home spotless 🙂

Living together before marriage also helped us to know what we liked and didn’t like about our first place together. That helped us especially when we went to buy our first home this past year, as we already had a mutual understanding of what we wanted and needed in our new home. We knew exactly what we were looking for so it was easy to pull the trigger together once we found the condo we loved.

We Split Household Responsibilities

Going along with cohabitation, Adam and I also learned before we got married how to split responsibilities at home. After years of seeing my parents split household chores, I knew I wanted to operate my home in the same way. From the very beginning, we divvied up the things we both enjoyed or didn’t mind to do and the things we hated. Adam agreed to always clean the bathrooms, while I take over the kitchen. He agreed to make coffee every morning while I make the bed. By pulling our own weight in our chores, we know we can count on the other to get the job done and avoid nagging and frustration. Teamwork makes the dreamwork is our motto!

Kelly and Adam smile at each other as they walk

Photo Credit: Brittany Bekas Photography

We Are Smart About Finances

Money can be one of the main stressors in a marriage and that has been something I’ve wanted to avoid. Adam and I started looking at our finances holistically before we even got engaged. That can be risky in a relationship, but we knew we were committed to each other and could trust each other. We did a lot of what’s mentioned in this post – we were open about our debts and our spending habits, we set financial goals, and we budgeted. By getting ahead of this before our wedding day, we knew exactly what to expect once we were married. That helped a lot, especially when we went to buy our car and condo this year.

We Learned to Compromise

From the very beginning of our relationship, Adam and I learned to compromise. Thankfully, he and I are very similar and have the same taste when it comes to fashion, decor, and TV shows (for the most part). We are both Virgos after all! But, there are times where we don’t agree and we have to meet in the middle. There will be things I don’t necessarily want to do (like going into a very crowded bar of soccer fans to watch a game while vacationing in Paris) or things he doesn’t necessarily want to do (like going to see the Beauty and the Beast musical). But we make it happen because we know it means a lot to the other. And a lot of the times, it pushes the other outside of our comfort zone. I truthfully think that can be a good thing because then we end up growing more together as a couple. Win, win!

Kelly and Adam smile at each other in front of the Chicago skyline

Photo Credit: Brittany Bekas Photography

We Have Open & Honest Communication

I’ve never been one to be passive aggressive. If I have an issue or something on my mind, I’m going to say it. I pride myself in the fact that I’m honest to my core with Adam. I tell him when I’m annoyed by something he did or when I’m angry for something he said. He tends to keep more things to himself, but when I press and ask him questions or ask for feedback, he comes at me with just as much honesty. Honest communication is critical in our relationship.

We Show We Care

This is one of the things I love most about my relationship with Adam. We consistently show up and support each other’s goals and dreams. We dedicate time out of our busy schedules to spend together and do date nights. We’ll get random little gifts or bouquets of flowers for each other, just because. And no matter what, Adam and I make it a point to say “I love you” and kiss and hug each other before we head out the door or head to bed. We’ve done this from day one and it’s something that I treasure so much in our relationship. Small gestures like these seem oh so simple, but they truly speak volumes. There’s nothing better than starting or ending my day than that!Pink lipstick stain

Kelly, Founder of Lipstick & Ink
Kelly Nash

Kelly Nash is a Chicago-based writer, speaker, career advisor, and founder of Lipstick & Ink®. In addition, she works full-time in technology as a Success Manager at Salesforce and has over 10 years of digital marketing experience. Kelly has been featured in Thrive Global, International Association of Women, General Assembly, Salesforce, SheFactor, and Six Degrees Society. She is also in the process of writing her first book.

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Filed Under: life, life changes, realtalk Tagged With: life, life changes, realtalk

About Kelly Nash

Kelly Nash is a Chicago-based writer, speaker, career advisor, and founder of Lipstick & Ink®. In addition, she works full-time in technology as a Success Manager at Salesforce and has over 10 years of digital marketing experience. Kelly has been featured in Thrive Global, International Association of Women, General Assembly, Salesforce, SheFactor, and Six Degrees Society. She is also in the process of writing her first book.

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Comments

  1. Jenna Meier says

    October 7, 2018 at 8:29 pm

    I too was very scared of the first year of marriage. Although we had the obvious stress of finances and us being pregnant with our first child, it was by far an extremely happy year of marriage! I continuously said to Tim, “so, when are we going to start arguing about stuff?” Haha. Even years later, I feel like us living together before getting married, already having a child in the mix, and just having open communication at all times has helped us navigate these past 3.5 years of marriage! It is a for sure dream come true for me after my track record of relationships. 🙂

    Reply
    • Kelly Nash says

      October 9, 2018 at 7:21 pm

      That’s so amazing to hear, Jenna! I’m so glad you and Tim have worked out what is best for your relationship and adjusted as necessary to ensure a happy marriage! That’s the best!

      Reply

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[𝙽𝙴𝚆 𝙱𝙻𝙾𝙶 𝙿𝙾𝚂𝚃] 𝘗𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥. While certainly an overused term, it’s definitely not overrated. Personal branding is more important than ever as it helps you to 𝙗𝙪𝙞𝙡𝙙 𝙖 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙪𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙧, 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙨, 𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙫𝙖𝙡𝙪𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙣𝙛𝙡𝙪𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮, 𝙖𝙙𝙫𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙧. Regardless if you work in the corporate world or consider yourself an entrepreneur (or both!), knowing and cultivating your personal brand is essential.
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Because here’s the thing – you already have a personal brand, whether you realize it or not. 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗮 𝗯𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗱. However, understanding the power of your brand can be difficult and requires self-awareness, intention, and action.
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If you’re unsure or curious about how to get started with building and boosting your brand, I've developed a 5 step formula to do just that! You can read more about these 5 steps and your best path forward in L&I's newest blog post, found via the link in my bio!💋
3 years ago today, I pressed “Publish” on Lips 3 years ago today, I pressed “Publish” on Lipstick & Ink. Even though it was only a blog at the time, I was terrified to put myself out there. I worried about what people would think about me, wondered if my site was good enough, and questioned if what I was writing would even resonate or help others.
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At the same time, it was exhilarating and freeing. I was finally writing again, something that had been a passion of mine since I was a kid. I was in my purpose, sharing my knowledge of how I had grown my career and guiding women on how they could do the same. And most of all, I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone, facing fears I had avoided for years.
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Since February 22, 2018, I have grown more than I thought possible. From my blog to expanding to events to speaking to advising clients to writing my first book, I continue to find ways to grow L&I and make an impact. And I can feel in my bones this is only the beginning.

Through these last 3 years, if I could share one piece of advice as to what I’ve learned , it’s this: OWN YOUR POWER. Own the power of yours that’s generated from within, not outside of yourself. Your authentic power. Don’t give your power away. Don’t allow the thoughts of others to get in your way. Don’t compare yourself to others and wonder how you will measure up. Don’t hold back on what you want to do because you are concerned about how others are going to feel about it.
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There is always a choice to make in terms of whether you decide to own your power or give it away. And these days, I choose my power. I choose me. My hope is that you too honor who you are and choose yourself. Because when you choose yourself, you set yourself free💋
We live in a world of 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 We live in a world of 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 - and let's be honest, we have gotten reaaal accustomed to it. So much so, that we may be easily disappointed when something doesn't immediately go our way - including when it comes to our careers. Whether it's seeking a promotion or landing a job at your dream company, we need to remember that it may take longer than we like or anticipate.
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Most of the time, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒘𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒆𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒍𝒚. This is why it's critical to ᴘʟᴀɴᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴇᴇᴅ early on to begin preparing to reach your next career goal. For example:⠀
🌱 𝗦𝗲𝗲𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Start making an effort to connect with your manager periodically to discuss your career growth. Voice that you are aiming for a promotion. Show to him/her that you take your professional development seriously by discussing your goals and ways you can start taking on additional responsibilities. Try and start taking on the work of the role above yours. Keep a track record of your accomplishments and feedback (L&I has a free template FYI under Resources in my bio!).⠀
🌱 𝗟𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮 𝗝𝗼𝗯 𝗮𝘁 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗗𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗻𝘆: Research the company and learn about their mission, corporate values, and their offerings. Take their available certifications if available to put on your resume. Reach out and build relationships over time with people that currently work there to understand the culture and to let them know you are interested in working for their company. Get your resume, cover letter and LinkedIn profile professionally reviewed. Tailor your resume and yes, even your cover letter for the job you ultimately apply for.
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Both of these scenarios 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚. But don't let that discourage you. What's something you're looking to accomplish in your career in the next 6 months? Don't delay - it's never too early to start preparing. Plant the seed now and watch yourself grow these next few months. Soon enough, after some hard work and patience, those 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 will come🌷💋
[𝗡𝗘𝗪 𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗢𝗨𝗥𝗖𝗘: 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗿 𝗗𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹𝗼𝗽𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗖𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸-𝗜𝗻 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗲𝘁] Let's chat career conversations with your manager 🤓
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How often are you having regular check-ins with your manager about your career development? At minimum, you should be meeting quarterly to review your performance and talk about your career progress. Don't wait until your annual performance review to do so! ❌ 𝙏𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙧 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙨 and put time on the calendar to meet periodically throughout the year 🗓
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Having these types of check-ins are essential to your professional success and it's important to go into them prepared with your own talking points. Enter the 𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘳 𝘋𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘊𝘩𝘦𝘤𝘬-𝘐𝘯 worksheet ✔️This worksheet will help you to:⠀
➢ 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 your manager that you take your career seriously and are willing to put your best foot forward⠀
➢ 𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭 on your goals and actions you're taking to get you to the next step in your career⠀
➢ 𝐂𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐞 a productive conversation with your manager to discuss your wins, challenges, and what you want to work on in the months ahead⠀
➢ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞 awareness to your work and a better opportunity to negotiate a promotion/raise/added benefits
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Interested? 😏 Download the FREE worksheet via the link in my bio under 𝚁𝚎𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚌𝚎𝚜 💋
I stand firmly by this career tip. Putting yoursel I stand firmly by this career tip. Putting yourself out there in the workplace and showcasing bits and pieces of who you are is critical to 𝙨𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 𝙖𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝙗𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙙.
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When I first started my professional career, I thought that I had to be a "version" of who I was at work. That I needed to always keep things "professional" and that it was "inappropriate" to talk about my personal life. 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴.
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By intertwining my professional and personal brands into one, I've been able to 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘴, 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺. Here are ways you can share more of who you are at work:⠀
✔ 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐢𝐨: Whether it’s an internal-facing bio that's visible to your co-workers or the “About” section on your LinkedIn, take advantage of it! Go beyond just what you do for the company and talk about things you do outside of work and what you're passionate about.⠀
✔ 𝐄𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤: Those few minutes before a meeting begins are a great opportunity to get to know someone, ask questions, and share something about yourself.⠀
✔ 𝐓𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐨 𝐨𝐧: Zoom fatigue is real, but having your video on is a great way for someone to get to know you better beyond just your voice.⠀
✔ 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞: Even with many of us working from home, you can still show a bit of your personal style whether it's a crisp blazer, a statement jewelry piece, or your favorite shade of lipstick.⠀
✔ 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐯𝐨𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐝: Tap into the groups within your company that interest you as it will allow you to meet more likeminded people and talk about things other than work.
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Don't hold back in putting yourself out there and sharing more of who you are. 𝙍𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙚𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙪𝙘𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙔-𝙊-𝙐💋
✨ 𝙽𝙴𝚆 𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙴 𝙾𝙽 𝙸𝙽𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚅𝙸𝙴𝚆 𝙵𝙴𝙰𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙴 ✨  Meet Brittney.
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@bsoliver is a Nashville-based career and lifestyle freelance writer and content strategist. Over the past 3 years, Brittney has built her platform, @lemons_2_lemonade, to help young professionals turn their career obstacles around. Her platform is known for its networking mixers, which have brought over 2,000 professionals, entrepreneurs, and creatives together to turn life’s lemons into lemonade.
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I met Brittney at her Chicago mixer back in Fall 2019 and was so impressed with her story and what she was building with Lemons 2 Lemonade. I immediately signed up for her newsletter and followed her on all of her social channels, where we've been connecting ever since! We actually just wrapped up a #L2LChat of our own, where we chatted about the changing job landscape due to the pandemic.
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What inspires me about Brittney is that she balances working full-time and freelance writing for publishers like Fast Company and ESSENCE. She’s  a thought-leader, having keynoted LinkedIn's first women of color conference in 2019 and was listed as Forbe's "Nine Black Women Leaders Dedicated to Empowering Others." Not only that, Brittney has so much heart for what she does and never gives up on herself. That was apparent to me after hearing her story of going on 100 interviews in an 8-month period.
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In all sense of the word, Brittney is crushing any and all lemons she comes across. I can't wait to see how much more lemonade she makes this year. You can read our exclusive interview via the link in my bio!💋
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